../feeling-good

How to debug yourself and get better at Feeling Good

Published:

Psychiatry Mental Health

Overview

Feeling Good by Dr Burns is one of the most influential books I've read, and I have changed my daily/weekly habits to adopt learnings from this book.

The central premise of the book is that:

  1. Thoughts lead to feelings
  2. Pretty much all negative feelings are caused by distorted thoughts (aka cognitive distortions)
  3. Need to exercise (in writing, daily) identifying distortions and talking back to them. This muscle/training will reduce distorted thoughts thereby reducing negative feeling

This process is essentially called cognitive behavioral therapy, and performing it on yourself after reading a book is sometimes called bibliotherapy.

Why does this matter? Why would anyone care about this? Because you will get out of feeling blues (aka depression; aka state of mind where your thoughts are dominated by negativity). Studies have proven doing this daily exercise works significantly better than anti-depressants (Burns score lowers at least as rapidly; lower relapse rates). It does require more effort from the human tho.

Comparison with other readings

Rationalist readings like Yudkowsky's books (example: Map and Territory) detail very specific cognitive distortions, and why they're undesirable. However, they don't have an exercise handbook that tells you how to train your mind. This book is that missing exercise handbook.

Another book, The Happniess Hypothesis, proposed anti-depressants (SSRI), CBT and meditation. This book proposes self-CBT primarily, and with good reason. You can use it to change your happiness setpoint! I do think meditation helps people a lot too and is ideally incorporated in one's daily schedule. Physical exercise, and mental exercise (self-CBT and meditation) are critical.

Man's Search for Meaning talked about logotherapy, which I never agreed with. This book talks about just trying to feel good by having better thoughts. No grandoise statements around meaning of life. I can agree with this.

How to measure improvement

Via Burns score. Go fill it out! See where you stand.

Commmon Situations that lead to Cognitive Distortions

There's no substitude for reading the book. However, below, I cover a few of the common situations that can lead to cognitive distortions.

Procrastination? Aim Low!

We all procrastinate. The solution?

"When I think about an undone task, what thoughts immediately come to mind?" You will learn that feelings that impede your motivation such as apathy, anxiety or a sense of being overwhelmed are the results of distortions in your thinking.

Write down your thoughts and challenge them! Identify the distortions!

Also, aim low! Don't aim for 100% of whatever you're setting out to do--aim for 50%. No need to be perfect. Surprisingly, this will often times lead to better long-term results as you actually end up doing something.

Conflicts? Don't jump out the window!

Rule number 1: Don't be defensive! Conflict has nothing to do with you as a person but maybe what the observer saw you do at a specific time! Always be curious and respond with empathy!

Specifically:

  1. dive into the criticism and figure out what specific actions you did they're upset about
  2. empathize/relate with them (i.e find something you agree on) or at least repeat what they said back to them
  3. negotiate/try to do better next time. If you did make an error, you attempt to correct it, but you don't need to jump out the window. If you did not make an error, move on

Anger? The other person is being fair!

Anger is caused when we feel something unfair was done to us. However, the thing to remember is that people always do what they feel is fair to them.

The world isn't fair by any one standard. Proof: "Lions eat sheep." Is that unfair to the sheep? Yes. Is not eating unfair to lion? Yes.

Being angry feels good as a moral emotion, but we MUST fight back. Make anger a deliberate choice instead.

Guilt? Settle for remorse for a specific action!

It almost never makes sense to see yourself as a bad person. See your specific action as something that you could improve, and have some remorse for that action, but do not label yourself a bad person. That's destructive and won't lead to any real constructive outcome.

Self-esteem and work? Don't turn on that treadmill!

What is self-worth? Does what you produce decide your self-worth? Is it benefecial (constructive as opposed to destructive) to tie self-worth entirely to work/achievement? No, it's not. You don't control the outcome, only the process.

Adolf Hitler likely thinks he achieved a lot, but was he worthwhile? No.

There is simply no way to measure self-worth. Self-worth is a useless abstraction. It has no practical meaning. Aim for whatever you want: satisfaction, learning mastery, personal growth, communication with others, etc. Figuring out what problem you'll solve today is meaningful. Ruminating on self-worth will just spin wheels.

If you do achieve a lot and tie your self-worth to your achievments, you'll keep setting a higher and higher bar/expectation. This turns into a nasty treadmill--you'll work even harder and become increasingly addicted to work and forget that you can derive satisfaction from things outside of work.

Only cognitive disstortion can rob you of self-esteem. Nothing in reality can take away from it. Treat yourself as you would your most beloved friend/VIP.

Approval of others? Always validate!

Your thoughts lead to your feelings. It is illogical to allow yourself to feel good if you receive positive feedback. Your thoughts and beliefs cause you to feel good/bad, so you must validate all received feedback--positive and negative--before 1) determining whether or not it's true and 2) deciding whether or not to let it affect your emotions/feelings. This way, it also becomes your decision to feel good about something!

Otherwise, people will use this vulnerability to manipulate you.

If someone disapproves of you, it's usually because other people are irrational. It is not possible to disapprove of an entire person. Always go deep and try to understand what specific thing bothers them. This ties in with the section on conflict.

Practical Solution: Writing! Every Day!

That was a lot of words, but how do you enact change in yourself? Read the book!

I do the following daily exercise (all written) that the book recommends. Every day:

You can also try to get to the root of your distortions by pursuing the distored thought over and over again. In particular, ask yourself (in writing) what would be so bad if the distortion were true. Keep doing this and you'll arrive at your silent belief. If this is difficult, you can start with the Dysfunctional Attitude Score, which will help you identify if any of the 7 possible concepts that the book covers affects you, and by how much.

Once you have a silent belief, you do a written cost-benefit analysis of pros and cons of a given silent belief/assumption.Then you rewrite the belief/assumption to be more accurate/beneficial. You can write an essay if you want to explore your decision. "Avoid defending yourself"